Warmer weather has arrived and the days are longer. Summer will be here before you know it. In the seven months since my son was born, I have been working hard on by “dad bod.” Okay, to be fair I’ve always had a dad bob but prior to now it was more Al Bundy than the Homer Simpson it has become. Pairs of pants no longer fit, and I find it hard to stay in shape with a new kid in the house. Who has time to go to the gym?
I read some blog recently suggesting I actually work out at home with my child. He weighs about twenty pounds at this point, so I thought I would give it a try. I figured it would be a good way for me to get in shape and for the two of us to spend some quality father-and-son time together, after all. The blog that I read suggested a list of exercises, but I modified it to fit my preferences and skill level. The entire circuit is below.
Warm up. First place your baby in their walker. Now sprint after them as they zip around the house getting into things you’ve told them not get into more times than you could ever hope to count. Sprint after your child for approximately 10 to 15 minutes.
Push Ups. Lie your child on their back and begin to do push ups over them. When you go down, kiss them on the forehead. They will likely giggle. What’s that you say? You’re concerned your arms will give out and you will fall on your child? Don’t worry. You’ll only able to do about four push ups before the next exercise begins.
Bear Crawl. The reason you will only be able to do four push ups is because our child will flip onto their stomach and crawl away with the speed of Usain Bolt. Bear crawl after them. There’s no time to stand fully erect. Who knows what they will get into if you waste time trying to stand up?
Kettle Bell Swing. When you reach your baby, immediately go into a squat. Grab your kid and begin to stand up, swinging your arms until they are fully extended and perpendicular with your shoulders. Do this a few times while your kid still thinks it’s fun.
Squats. You did too many kettle bell swings and now your kid is crying. Hold them close and do squats while they calm down and stop crying.
Tricep Extensions. You’re just about done, which is great because you have a child and therefore do not get much sleep. Lie on your back. Hold your kid above you. Now, slowly lower your kid toward the floor over your head. Raise them back up so they are directly above you. Try to do ten to twelve repetitions. You likely won’t, however, because there is a 98.9 percent chance your child will spit up directly on your face in the middle of the set.
Abs. After you have washed your face, it’s time for the last exercise. Go to your bedroom and place your child your bed. Lay down next to them. Inevitably, your kid will crawl with speed toward the end of your bed and, defying all common sense, will attempt to crawl right off the edge. Explode upward in a sit-up, grab them by the feet, and complete the sit up while you drag your kid back to safety down the length of the bed. Repeat for as many sit ups as you can. If your kid is like mine, they will never get tired of this “game” so when you have had enough place your child in their crib and hit the showers.
Simple enough right? It costs $233,610.00 to raise a child to the age of 18. So, congratulations! You now have the world’s most expensive home gym.