A Modest Proposal by the GOP

Melancholy afflicts those who are stuck at home throughout this great nation when they see the sidewalks, roads, and businesses deserted and shuttered by the global pandemic; which is not, apparently, the greatest hoax ever advanced by the Deep State after all.

We think it is agreed by all Republicans that the great number of 99-percenters in their modest homes, apartments, or the basements of their parents, is a very great additional grievance; and, therefore whoever could find a fair, cheap and easy method of making these 99-percenters sound and useful members of the country once more would be deserving of a statue in their honor.

Our intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the employers of the 99-percenters: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of grandparents of a certain age, known more commonly as Baby Boomers, who demand our charity during this unprecedented time in the form of senior-only hours at retailers.

Having turned our thoughts for many days of quarantine on this important subject, and having maturely weighed the several opinions of renowned medical experts, we have found the experts grossly mistaken in their computation that we must all social distance and shelter-in-place for several months. It is true that the elderly are more vulnerable to the disease besieging our nation and require greater protections. But, it is exactly for those aged sixty-two and above that we propose to provide a solution. Instead of being a burden upon their children, grandchildren, and the nation, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding of many millions, and allow for an inheritance for many a supply of scarce household paper products.

There are likewise other great advantages to my scheme: it will prevent that horrid practice of losing untold value in one’s stock portfolio in a tumultuous bear market.

The number of souls in this country of the suggested age has been computed at roughly seventy-three million. From this amount, we shall subtract those considered to be part of the One-Percent, Members of Congress (excepting Democrats), The President’s Cabinet, and the ever-important conservative and corporate lobbyists. We must be modest in our efforts and protect those of great wealth so that wealth may trickle down to yield further dividends on investments. We must protect the Dow at all costs!

We are assured by our Job Creators that an elder person, after sixty-two years of age, is no useful commodity as they retire before death. Even more troublesome, we are told that they are not willing to work for less than a fair wage and even talk of the most nightmarish of scenarios: unionization.

We have been assured by a very knowing American of great stability and genius, that an elder healthy adult is, at sixty-two years of age, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether they be air fried, roasted, baked, or, preferably, grilled well-done and slathered in ketchup.

We do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that the seventy-three million, less those in the aforementioned privileged groups too indispensible in a capitalist society, be offered in sale to the persons of less age and fortune throughout the nation for consumption.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about the vast number of elderly people who may be taken to ease the stock markets. But we are not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are already every day dying, as can reasonably be expected, of old age, disease, and an inadequate healthcare system that forces them to choose between health and food. And as for these elders, they are now in an almost hopeful condition knowing that their sacrifice will be for the great benefit of their children and grandchildren. They know, as we know, my fellow Republicans, that their susceptibility to COVID-19 is too great and onerous a burden on a bull market, and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come so that the young may resume their toils for the benefit of Wall Street.

We think the advantages by my proposal are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

First, as we have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of at-risk persons during this pandemic to allow for a return to normal of those who are healthy and less likely to perish from the virus ravaging our nation. Those who are young may work while still sick, and indeed many have in the past since there is no mandated sick leave (praise God!), without the burden of worrying about their grandparents coming in contact with the disease.

Second, the elders of the 99-percent will have something valuable of their own; that being a sense of pride knowing that they have happily sacrificed themselves for the good of their grandchildren by helping restore an economy that will provide them enough to survive, but, of course, never enough to allow for upward mobility. Indeed, these elders shall see to it that the status quo is maintained for the benefit of all those who matter in this great nation – the One-Percent.

Thirdly, given that these elders impose strain and burdens on our profitable healthcare system by forcing them to accept the lower reimbursement rates of Medicare, this proposal shall yield extra money that will circulate among the healthcare executives to enable the affordability of such necessary luxuries in these tying times as a third yacht upon which to social distance.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the removal of the voting base of the AARP will allow for the gutting of social security and Medicare. Think of the additional corporate tax cuts that can be had with that money! But the many others we omit here, being studious of brevity.

We can think of no objection that could possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be raised by the true scourge of our nation – socialist libtards. And, as we all well know, that sort is a heard of mere sheep shepherded by the Fake News Media who seek nothing but to denigrate and impeach our Dear Perfect Leader.

We profess in the sincerity of my heart that we have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for our countrymen, relieving the poor, and giving some additional pleasure to the rich.  We have no grandparents by whom we can propose to get a single penny or roll of toilet paper.

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